Personal and Performance Coaching

Who are you?

2008-06-14T04:39:00.000-07:00

At a recent workshop that I run on building self-confidence, I asked the delegates to reply to the question "Who are you?". I asked for 5 each of "I am" and "I am not" responses.

A seemingly easy question you might think; but it took more energy and time than what they expected. If you are a coach, you would know it a self-esteem exercise; and a very effective one too.

The results were rather interesting. And it was even more interesting to see people enjoying re-discovering themselves; because taking a bold step towards acknowledging who we are and aren't is an achievement all by itself. These days, when we are so busy juggling several responsiblities at work and at home, finding the time to evaluate and appreciate ourselves is an almost impossible task. That is why coaching is the most suitable solution for today's personal and societal challenges.

If you have done this exercise yourself, you would know that it lets you start seeing yourself from a slightly different perspective; which is always a good thing. Because, as I always say, self-awareness is the first step to internal change. The question about who you are allows you to define yourself; and think about how others would describe you. Also, what are the qualities that you have always taken for granted? What are your core values? What sort of things can't you live without and which ones will never be part of you?

If you haven't done this exercise before, then there's no time like the present.

Who are you?

The Ego: a blessing or a curse?

2008-05-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Is the ego an in-built defence mechanism or a tool for agression? Or is it both, depending on what it's used for?

My view is that it's all of the above. At times, it helps us to protect and maintain our dignity. At other times, it leads us to uncontrollable self-damaging confrontations. While a healthy ego helps us to stand up for our rights and ensure others respect us for who we are; an over-sized ego redeems respect at any cost. For the most part, this causes relationships to suffer. Eventually, things could spiral out of control causing us to lose the true meaning of life. For those with a conscience, this is often followed by regret and self-blame.

Our world's history is filled with raging wars, brutal oppression and fierce competition all in the name of the ego. It seems there is nothing we are not prepared to do to demand respect. Although today, in the 21st century, an increasing number of individuals and nations have already passed through this phase, there are those who still fall for the false promise of honour through violence.

I hope the majority of my readers would agree with me when I say violence is never a solution. Yes it may generate fear and complete obedience as we have witnessed from our turbulent past. But it's not a lasting solution and can never win 'hearts and minds'. True respect, admiration and fellowship are only possible through the ability to resolve differences through effective communication, fairness, trustworthiness and ethicality.

It is therefore essential to keep the ego 'in check' at all times, to set our own standards based on the desired outcome, not the problem. Focussing on the problem could very possibly magnify it or even create more of the same. Focussing on the outcome, on the other hand, would most certainly present us with a positive and realistic goal.

Monitoring the ego does not mean giving a leeway for others to cross our boundaries. As ever, it is important to use a good judgement to decide where our boundaries are, what measures we should take if they are crossed and to take action accordingly. In my experience, "taking the ego out of the equation", as Dame Judi Dench puts it fittingly in a recent Bond movie, has been nothing but a blessing. It's like lifting a viel to see ever more clearly, to be self-aware, to be open to constructive criticism and to learn through humility. Eversince I discarded (most of) my ego, I have grown in leaps and bounds. My mental and emotional maturity certainly played key parts in this, but a keen interest and self-education on the works of the ego helped me even more to be able to keep a near-perfect balance.

And the biggest lesson that I learned is that there so much more to learn; and to be cautious of those who claim to know it all.

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
Maya Angelou

Breaking the cycle

2008-05-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

IMAGINE THIS...

You make a decision to have a fresh start; move away from a boring job / a difficult relationship / an unpleasant colleague / an irritating neighbour / an unhealthy habit or whatever has been giving you pain.

Apart form the grief it caused you, it was a complete waste of your time and energy. So now you have a new chance to do things differently. And you're going to use this opportunity wisely to make up for lost time to be the person you've always wanted to be and do the things you've always dreamed of.

After some time, you launch your plan with new energy and enthusiasm. Life seems just perfect; for a while. Slowly but surely you notice an unmistakeable familiarity. The same issues start cropping up and once again you find yourself in the same situation. You must have created a pattern. Frustrated, you ask yourself 'where did I go wrong? how and why did I attract the same job/personality/habit all over again?'.

Does this sound vaguely familiar? Or is it your story? What answers did you get from those questions you asked yourself? Where did you go wrong?

Life coaching teaches that real changes come from inside; not outside.

You've changed your job or moved away; but have you changed your thoughts? Emotions? Beliefs? Attitude? Because as long as you are sending out the same spoken or unspoken message, you will continue to receive the same response regardless of where you are or who you are with.

"It's not what happens to you, but what you do with whatever happens to you."
W. Mitchell

First of all, when you were doing your initial assessment, did you consider your own reaction to the event or person? Could you have changed the situation by changing your attitude or seeing it from a different perspective? This is not meant to point a finger at you but rather to empower you because - for every action, there is a reaction - i.e. change your output to receive a different input.

Secondly, did the event or person make you uncomfortable because it/he/she showed you something that you are unwilling to acknowledge or change? What are you unwilling to accept, or change? It might be easier to move away than confront yourself, but it is not always the most effective solution. A life coach would readily show you that stepping outside your comfort zone is a strength.

Thirdly, are you constantly worried about facing the same problem? Does your mind keep on wondering off to the past every so often re-living those painful moments? If so, you are subconsciously asking for a repeat - the subconscious mind delivers whatever is in your mind be it positive or negative. Remember the saying 'every thought is a prayer.' You should change your thoughts to what you want to happen and add emotion to it for effective results. This is also known as the 'Universal Law of Attraction'.

And finally, rest assured that you are not alone. This is a very common phenomena. But thanks to coaching, today clients are able to access easy self-help tools and other holistic methods to help them break patterns and move on with their lives. Coaching is the preferred method for such cases because it guarantees effective and lasting outcomes by facilitating changes from within. Afterall, it is based on the principle that clients are whole, healthy and resourceful.

Should your life coach be a role model?

2008-05-09T04:18:00.000-07:00

Should life coaches be the epitome of their profession?

A question that I have been asked several times already in my relatively short coaching career.

Having contemplated on the issue for some time now, I stand firm on my view that perfection should not be expected from any human being; however life coaches should be seen to strive to practice what they preach, just as others should in their own professions.

How many medical doctors smoke and yet tell their patients to do otherwise? Does their smoking make them less credible doctors, i.e., would you feel less safe if you were treated by a doctor who is a smoker? Most people I know have told me it wouldn't make a difference to them. I have to agree - although I would understand if this doctor's patients would find it hard to take smoking-related advice from her/him.

I am not trying to justify that life coaches should do the same; rather, it is to make the point that in reality, having good knowledge of a subject matter and the ability to pass it on, is quite different from living and breathing it. And so my response to this debatable question is: clients should expect to see that their coaches are making the effort to be the epitome of their profession.

As for me, my training as a life coach itself has defined my goals and values. Together with the self-coaching tools that I learned, coaching has greatly enhanced my self-awareness which is the key to any behavioural change. As a life coach, I live my life without pressure from society and its expectations. I practice what I preach because I truly believe in it, which is to be open to change, to be determined to succeed, to take action while focussing on a positive outcome, to enjoy my blessings and live an honest meaningful life that I can remember with pride and fondness in the years to come.

Every journey starts with a single step

2008-05-04T03:38:00.000-07:00

I have taken the plunge and created a blog today. I am unsure what it will bring forth but hopeful that it will be a pleasant experience both for me and my readers.